Where I Am Now
Hello everyone,
I haven't blogged in awhile and this is mainly due to the fact that I haven't really been feeling up to it. I have been going through rather a lot in my life and just haven't had the time to sit down and really have a chat.
I tend to mainly document my life and how I feel here but didn't want to until everything had blown over.
So basically you may have all known that I had an apprenticeship and believe me I was over the moon about it. It was a video editing position at a video based marketing group. I was so thrilled to have gotten the position and started work in early July.
It was going great until I started noticing little things like how I was being given client work with no training of how to use the editing software that was actually premier pro, one of the most difficult programmes to master.
I was being expected to use this and turn out professional client work with let me repeat no training. I did my best to learn from YouTube tutorials but thought I would get trained as promised during my apprenticeship. However this never happened.
I had a fab few days going out and doing a live stream event and also I got to go out and film at a school for an advertisement campaign.
Unfortunately as you all know I really struggle with Anxiety and I went through a seriously tough time and had to have a few days off but once it was over I was fine again.
I then had a week off that had been agreed for my holiday leave and I had an amazing time at a festival with my boyfriend and camping, it was great fun.
I then went back to work and I thought everything would be great. However, things felt different.
No one was behaving the same with me and no one wanted to talk to me anymore. I began to feel excluded like I did at school and felt as if no one wanted me there. I began getting anxious to go in to work and didn't enjoy it anymore. All my dreams began falling apart.
I ended up being left on my own for hours upon end with no one telling me what to do and no one to talk to. I felt completely alone. I sat watching YouTube tutorials all day in the hope of making my boss proud but that never happened.
It was until I had a review in which I was told I would have my dismissal meeting.
Sure enough I argued my case, I hadn't done anything wrong. I was then dissmissed
I appealed it though and ended up being offered my job back however for someone struggling with anxiety going back into a situation that already made you feel anxious, to then walk back into a job to feel like that again made me feel like there was no point. I simply wouldn't be able to get up and out the door in the morning.
So where am I now. Well to be truthful i'm sat on my bed but i'm actually rather down in the dumps not gonna lie. I feel like all I looked forward to was gone. You know, that was my career. I loved explaining to my family and friends how much fun it was and people seemed genuinely proud of me. For once I had achieved something. My schooling had not gone well at all due to being bullied and the Anxiety problems but finally I had got something right. Only for it to be snatched away within a month and a half.
Through school I never had any friends, constantly people were just mean to me and I was bullied for pretty much my entire years from year 6-11. I missed many days of school due to not being able to battle with my head to get out from under my covers because that was my safe zone.
Once I had got this job however I felt like I could do anything, I even went to a party! Me going to a party? No i didn't drink and yes i left at 11 through my fears of people potentially throwing up (one of my biggest fears of all) but i still did it. I talked with people who never liked me at school and they congratulated me on my job and the fact that it looked "so cool, better than what i'm doing" It made me feel good and now it feels like its just gone backwards like " ha knew it wouldn't last"
I felt like I had it all. The dream career, The money,I could go out with people, I was independent, I was living THE LIFE and then boom. Gone.
I am still searching for another apprenticeship but its getting boring being stuck at home all the time. In a sense its giving me more time to focus on my own YouTube videos because that's what I most enjoy doing.
I love making people laugh or feel good after watching my videos and if it brightens one persons day then I have done my job because I know in my worst days influencers like Zoella and Pointlessblog would always be the ones to cheer me up and those are the people who have really inspired me to keep my head up and keep going.
Thank you for reading I seriously appreciate any of you who watch my videos, read my blog, follow me on anything and are just genuinely here supporting me.
Thank you :)
I haven't blogged in awhile and this is mainly due to the fact that I haven't really been feeling up to it. I have been going through rather a lot in my life and just haven't had the time to sit down and really have a chat.
I tend to mainly document my life and how I feel here but didn't want to until everything had blown over.
So basically you may have all known that I had an apprenticeship and believe me I was over the moon about it. It was a video editing position at a video based marketing group. I was so thrilled to have gotten the position and started work in early July.
It was going great until I started noticing little things like how I was being given client work with no training of how to use the editing software that was actually premier pro, one of the most difficult programmes to master.
I was being expected to use this and turn out professional client work with let me repeat no training. I did my best to learn from YouTube tutorials but thought I would get trained as promised during my apprenticeship. However this never happened.
I had a fab few days going out and doing a live stream event and also I got to go out and film at a school for an advertisement campaign.
Unfortunately as you all know I really struggle with Anxiety and I went through a seriously tough time and had to have a few days off but once it was over I was fine again.
I then had a week off that had been agreed for my holiday leave and I had an amazing time at a festival with my boyfriend and camping, it was great fun.
I then went back to work and I thought everything would be great. However, things felt different.
No one was behaving the same with me and no one wanted to talk to me anymore. I began to feel excluded like I did at school and felt as if no one wanted me there. I began getting anxious to go in to work and didn't enjoy it anymore. All my dreams began falling apart.
I ended up being left on my own for hours upon end with no one telling me what to do and no one to talk to. I felt completely alone. I sat watching YouTube tutorials all day in the hope of making my boss proud but that never happened.
It was until I had a review in which I was told I would have my dismissal meeting.
Sure enough I argued my case, I hadn't done anything wrong. I was then dissmissed
I appealed it though and ended up being offered my job back however for someone struggling with anxiety going back into a situation that already made you feel anxious, to then walk back into a job to feel like that again made me feel like there was no point. I simply wouldn't be able to get up and out the door in the morning.
So where am I now. Well to be truthful i'm sat on my bed but i'm actually rather down in the dumps not gonna lie. I feel like all I looked forward to was gone. You know, that was my career. I loved explaining to my family and friends how much fun it was and people seemed genuinely proud of me. For once I had achieved something. My schooling had not gone well at all due to being bullied and the Anxiety problems but finally I had got something right. Only for it to be snatched away within a month and a half.
Through school I never had any friends, constantly people were just mean to me and I was bullied for pretty much my entire years from year 6-11. I missed many days of school due to not being able to battle with my head to get out from under my covers because that was my safe zone.
Once I had got this job however I felt like I could do anything, I even went to a party! Me going to a party? No i didn't drink and yes i left at 11 through my fears of people potentially throwing up (one of my biggest fears of all) but i still did it. I talked with people who never liked me at school and they congratulated me on my job and the fact that it looked "so cool, better than what i'm doing" It made me feel good and now it feels like its just gone backwards like " ha knew it wouldn't last"
I felt like I had it all. The dream career, The money,I could go out with people, I was independent, I was living THE LIFE and then boom. Gone.
I am still searching for another apprenticeship but its getting boring being stuck at home all the time. In a sense its giving me more time to focus on my own YouTube videos because that's what I most enjoy doing.
I love making people laugh or feel good after watching my videos and if it brightens one persons day then I have done my job because I know in my worst days influencers like Zoella and Pointlessblog would always be the ones to cheer me up and those are the people who have really inspired me to keep my head up and keep going.
Thank you for reading I seriously appreciate any of you who watch my videos, read my blog, follow me on anything and are just genuinely here supporting me.
Thank you :)
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